I Know It's Crummy, But Somebody Has To Do It

If you refuse to bread your chops and fry because you are losing your hair over it, don't reach for any more anti-anxiety meds. Beer or wine is optional, but that part of the procedure is strictly for you.

Pork chops (or your other favorite meat) and fish are easily breaded by hand and this method won't give you an overly heaving coating. Meat or fish should be just from the refrigerator and not frozen.

You will need the following:

Buttermilk in a shallow bowl (you can use a pie or cake baking pan)

A shallow bowl (like the pie or cake pan) into which you place your crumbs

A couple of spoons and forks, and some plain (cheap) plastic sandwich baggies

Plain bread crumbs (which are usually lower salt content (you have to read the container), and to which you can add a little onion powder and pepper); or your favorite brand of ready made crumbs if you want your herbs and spices in there and it won't conflict with the flavors of the other foods you are making as part of your meal.

Olive oil and butter (use unsalted butter if your bread crumbs already come complete with lots of herbs and spices)

Teflon safe pancake flipper

A sheet of non-stick aluminum foil large enough to hold the meat or fish after it has been breaded

A large non-stick frypan with a lid. When you are frying a breaded item, make sure there is plenty of room so that nothing is up against each other. You might want to use two frypans with lids. Non-stick pans are preferable.

Dip each piece of meat or fish in the buttermilk so that it is well coated. Use the back of one of the teaspoons to press the piece into the buttermilk so that it gets into any crevices.

Lift the piece out of the buttermilk and let it drip off just a little.

Now place the meat or fish into the other pan with the crumbs. If you never thought of yourself as an artist before, here is where the artwork comes into play. Shake and bake tech doesn't work well here. Quickly sprinkle more crumbs on top to nicely coat the piece over the top. Use a spoon to push crumbs onto the sides. Insort your hind ina samwish boogie (sandwich baggie for those who aren't self-medicating during this process with beer or wine, otherwise, you'd understand) and begin to press in the crumbs tightly against the meat or fish and into any crevices. Once you get the top crumbs well pressed into the piece, turn it over and do the bottom side. Make certain that the sides are well pressed into the crumbs as well.

As you finish each piece, lay it out flat on the non-stick foil. When all the pieces have been finished and are on the foil, they should be left to sit there for at least ten minutes - 5 minutes a side so that the crumbs solidify a little more into the item.

In the interim, start heating your frypan(s). They will need to start out at a medium heat or just a little more because the meat or fish will reduce the temperature in the pan. This can take 3 to 4 minutes or more. It helps to put the lid on to heat the pan so the heat gets distributed more evenly. Before the pan reaches the temperature to place the meat or fish in, add enough olive oil to just nicely coat the bottom and a pat of butter.

When the pan is ready, lift it and gently swirl the oil/butter mixture so that it more evening coats the bottom of the pan. Carefully place the meat or fish to begin to fry on one side. You don't want to move it to reposition it. Do not use the lid at this point. As soon as it becomes nicely lightly browned on one side, lift those pieces out and place them browned side down in the frypan lid. (Don't wait so long to move them that the top of the meat begins to gather moisture. If you waited too long and you see moisture from the heat seeping on the top, add more breadcrumbs and press them in well, using the back of a spoon.) Add more olive oil and butter and turn the heat up a little. Then take the pieces from the frypan lid and turn them over so that the unbrowned side gets nicely lightly browned.

It is important to avoid the misshaping of the piece on one side due to the action of the heat and browning. These pieces should be turned once more on each side for extra browning. When you have turned the pieces for the second time, turn down the heat and put on the lid. The lid should cover most of the frypan and rest on the handle so that the heat primarily stays in the pan, but the meat or fish does not become steamed. Carefully watch your heat so that the side that is against the pan does not burn, and the food continues to cook on low until the desired point of doneness is achieved for serving.

Work carefully and you'll not lose a hair on your head.